on beauty, aging, and the 'bitter old hag' narrative
aging is a privilege that doesn't come for us all. we should do more to appreciate that.
Thanks to the popularity of movies like The Substance, the topic of aging and its demonization has come into the cultural conversation. More specifically, aging is seen as the inevitable enemy, the one that steals away beauty, vitality, and attractiveness.
And I can’t lie. I always get a little sad when I see older people getting demonized or judged simply for being older.
Currently, I’m reading a mystery, The Swimmer, by Loreth Anne White in which one of the main characters is a 60 year old social media influencer who subconsciously feels past her prime. After losing her two children to illnesses, she and her husband move to Vancouver for a fresh start. Unbeknownst to her, her husband actually has a younger lover and a toddler son in the same city, so the move was really a way for him to get closer to them.
Throughout the novel, it’s clear that she’s been made to feel inferior because of the fact that she’s an older woman. She uses the phrase, “sixty is the new forty” clearly as a way to cope with the fact that she’s older. Her age is an antagonist, something that holds her back from attaining what she really wants, which is her husband’s attention.
I’ve seen a similar trope play out in the film, The Substance, where the main character, Elisabeth Sparkle, must somehow survive in an industry that no longer favors her now that she’s an older woman. Again, an older woman is demonized. Again, a younger counterpart is favored and glorified. Again, aging is seen as the ultimate enemy.
The more I reflected on this, the more I realized that I’ve seen this sentiment materialize in so many different ways in my own life.
The Beauty in Aging
When I was heavily pregnant, I once attended a Young Adults Night event at a local Orthodox church and it was a fabulous time. The topic of our discussion that night was aging; specifically, why is aging seen as such a bad thing when, in reality, it’s one of life’s greatest privileges?
Many people are never going to experience aging due to a premature death, and that’s a great tragedy. There’s so much life to live and so many things to learn… and aging allows us to accumulate these experiences over time. In many cases, aging makes us wiser and it makes us appreciate the finer things in life.
To me, wrinkles and skin sagging and gray hairs are all testament to a life well lived. These things are often seen as imperfections, as things to be ashamed of. So much so, there are treatments being sold that are meant to combat the signs of aging, like botox and plastic surgery and other fads that take advantage of people’s insecurities.
Currently, we live in a society that demonizes older people. And what’s truly fascinating is that relatively young people aren’t spared from the cruel sword of society’s judgment. As soon as you hit thirty years old, there are already people talking about how your youth is escaping you. Women, more often than not, get the brunt of these insults.
And it only makes me wonder why.
“Bitter Old Hag”
Since a very young age, I remember seeing how older women were demonized all across the media. In stories like Snow White, the older woman is portrayed to be a villain, jealous of a younger woman’s youth and vitality. The older woman, therefore, is the force that must be defeated so that youthfulness may win.
Again and again, we see instances in which women are pitted against each other. The young woman is seen as a lamb while the older women are like the wolves waiting to tear the lamb apart. And there seems something so inherently misogynistic in wanting to pit women against one another for something as shallow as appearances.
It perpetrates the idea that a woman is only valuable if she has something to offer the world—and in this case, it’s her beauty and youthfulness. From a biological standpoint, I understand why a woman’s youth is important in the context of fertility, pregnancy, and rearing children. However, I like to think that humans can rise above what our biological tendencies want us to think or do. We’re much better than that, I know we are.
Women, in particular, are pressured more than men to preserve their beauty in any way they can. Plastic surgery, botox, the “clean girl” aesthetic, pilates—these are all things marketed towards a female demographic in the hopes that they can achieve good bodies, look good, and maintain some semblance of youthfulness despite their growing age. Things like skincare are therefore seen as more feminine. Every time I check my social media, I’m inundated by these messages. As a woman, I’m expected to maintain my beauty and attractiveness no matter what, and if that pesky aging gets in the way, then my solution lies in botox treatments and plastic surgery!
It all feels so predatory.
On the other side of the coin, we don’t see the same treatment towards men when they age. In fact, I’d argue that older men are often glorified. Older men with experience and wisdom are appreciated. Many women tend to find older men attractive, as well.
What worries me the most with this entire discourse is that, at the core, I feel like women are judged more harshly for aging due to how men in society view us. It’s a form of dehumanization to place value on women solely on how they look and how attractive men find them. Unfortunately, I feel like the desire to have no wrinkles, to have smooth skin, to have no stretch marks, to have no gray hairs, is all to please men at the end of the day. Because women tend to compete with each other, I’ve realized. And in this competition, the male gaze wins above all else.
We’ve been conditioned to think this way for so long that I really can’t fault anyone for falling into this silly trap. But I hope that one day, we can all grow to love our bodies without having to worry about what society at large has to think about it.
Comparison Is The Thief of Joy
In this age of social media, I think we often find ourselves comparing our lives to other people’s. Often times, influencers aren’t portraying an honest depiction of themselves. I’m reminded of Loreth Anne White’s novel once more, because as much as the older influencer wanted to convince her audience that she’s happy with herself now that she’s aging, the reader knows that isn’t the case. Similarly, I think there are many cases where an influencer isn’t happy with themselves whenever they’re behind the camera.
I think comparing your life to another person’s is a great mistake. All life is valuable, all life is beautiful in its own way. I find beauty in the young people who are stepping out into the world, ready to find themselves. I also find beauty in the older people with their wrinkles and saggy skin, reminiscing on the lives they once lived. In trying to demonize one group or the other, it’s just another way for society to divide us. When in reality, we should strive for togetherness as best as we can.
If you’re ever feeling guilty for growing old, just remember that there are many people who would have loved to have grown old like you. But they never got the chance because they died young. It’s a blessing to reach another day, another birthday, because tomorrow is never promised. And we should cherish that, not demonize it or feel ashamed about it.
I’m only 23 years old, so I’m still on the young side. But that won’t always be the case. And rest assured, I will always advocate in loving yourself as you are, which includes all the wrinkles, saggy skin, cellulite, stretch marks, and more. Please don’t let society dictate how you should look or how you should feel about your looks.
Aging is fine. Aging is a blessing. As I said before, tomorrow is never promised, so don’t spend the rest of your days hating yourself for something as natural as aging.